RPM

Last night I locked my keys in my car...with the engine still running. But you know what? It was worth it. Because I got to meet the greatest American ever.

While waiting with Bone and Matt for AAA to arrive , a nondescript white van pulled into our parking lot. Out jumps a drunken white guy in his late 40's. What followed is something I will never forget. RPM (his initials/nickname), a military veteran, went into a forty minute rambling monologue about prejudice, black chicks, bacon and eggs, but mostly just lots and lots of lurid, hedonistic sex.

When we finally got my car unlocked and returned to my apartment, we frantically tried to reassemble everything we had just heard.

I will now relay some of the wisdom imparted to us by RPM.

***WARNING***
WHAT FOLLOWS CONTAINS GRAPHIC LANGUAGE!
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

RPM on prejudice:
"I don't care if you're white, black, purple, or yellow. I hate everybody. Even myself."

(five minutes later)

"There's only one person I like, and that's me. Because I know me."

RPM on being black:
"I don't have nothing against black people. I'm from Atlanta. I grew up in Cabbagetown. You know where that is? That's the blackest of the black. Show me someone black - I'm blacker than them. I'm blacker than you [to Bone]. I've had more black pussy than you."

RPM on black pussy:
"I want that black Cinderella over there that drives the BMW. I wouldn't even fuck her. I'd put that pussy on a platter like a salad. I wouldn't ruin it by stickin' my dick in it."

RPM on the culinary arts:
"I woke up the next morning, and heard someone knocking on the door. I walked over and answered the door buck naked. She was standing there and I said, 'I remember you. Your that big tittied bitch! Come inside. I'll make you some bacon and eggs.'"

"I wrapped a piece of bacon around my dick and walked in there. I said, 'Which part of the hog do you want? The head or the bone?' I said, 'You can bite it off or I can shake it off.' I shook that bacon off and gave it to her."

"Her boyfriend - a big motherfucker - was standing there. He said, 'I'm looking for my girlfriend.' I said, 'She's in the bedroom.' He said, 'What the fuck is she doing in there?' I said, 'I gave her some bacon. I'm gonna give her a piece of sausage, but she only gets one piece of breakfast at a time.'"

RPM on entertaining guests:
"She said, 'You're fucking crazy! I'm calling my sister.' By the end of that night I had [counting on his fingers] her, her boyfriend, her sister, three of their friends, and two of their other friends. It was seven women, one guy. And let me tell you something: that was the worst fuck of my life. I felt like a marshmallow. I've never been squeezed so much in my life."

RPM on curiosity:
"I've only bent over once or twice in my life. I'm not a faggot. It's a curiosity thing."

He went on like this nonstop for forty minutes, before going off to buy his girlfriend more beer. I'm not even writing the most graphic stuff he talked about. My mind was thoroughly blown for the whole evening.