'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
‘Cause I killed that darn mouse.
The stockings were hung
And the traps were all set
In hopes that St. Nick
Would get caught in one yet.
Ma with her shot-gun
And I with my rifle,
Our hopes were still high
St. Nick’s plans we would stifle.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a din
St. Nick had arrived,
That nasty villain!
Away to the window
I flew like a bird,
Tore open the shutters,
'Twas this that we heard:
“Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Bad tidings to you!
I’ll kill everybody,
That’s just what I’ll do!”
And what to my grief-stricken
Eyes should reveal,
But a bulbous old troll
stealing kids for his veal!
To the top of the porch
To the top of the wall
Now slash away, slash
Away, slash away all.
Then he flew down our chimney
That cold winter night
Our guns full of ammo,
Our hearts full of fright.
And that’s when we saw him,
His true form unraveled.
One slip up from us and
And we'd soon be cadaveled.
With his big, bloated belly,
And razor bicuspids,
His gaudy pimp clothing
In blood was encrusted.
He crept closer and closer,
And Ma shouted, “Run!”
We began to head out.
I remembered my gun.
“One more step,” I decreed,
"And you’ll be a goner!
Then I’ll feed you to Rudolf,
And Blitzen, and Donner.”
Perhaps 'twas my warning
That made him to pause.
Up the chimney he crawled
With his damned Santa claws.
And the last thing we heard,
As the fat monster fled
Was the tormented wail
Of the Christmas undead.
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