Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Frebruary: A Month Of Terrifying Birth Stories

It's been a particularly strange winter. The days alternate between beautiful, summery mid-70's, and bitterly cold and nasty. Occasionally there's a feral howl outside my window that I once assumed to be the wind, but I now recognize as the forlorn braying of the Babies Of The Damned.

Bristol Palin, Alfie Patton, and Nadya Suleman form a trifecta of terrifying parents (scarents?) that should serve as a grim reminder of what happens when ignorance and hormones collide.

Lil' Palin is probably the most tragic of all the stories simply for the fact that she is clearly the victim of her parents' failed ideologies. You need no further proof than her statement in a recent interview that "everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it’s not realistic at all." The first half of that sentence is just a pre-programmed regurgitation of the same old line that social conservatives (like her parents) have been shoving down her throat. She completely dismisses this with "or whatever" (since deep down she knows it isn't true), and then finishes by saying the complete opposite. It's a shame it took having a baby to make her realize what most of us have known from the outset: abstinence education fails. It's an oxymoron, a lack of information disguised as education. Also, Bristol has unfortunately continued the family tradition of naming her children like one would name a puppy, but that's just a matter of poor taste and there's nothing to be done about it.

And what do we make of Mr. Patton, the 13-year-old baby daddy? Honestly, the only thing that makes this story noteworthy is the fact that Alfie only looks to be about eight or nine. Beyond that, it's just another teen pregnancy story. I only mention it because, well look at him:

That gives me the jibblies.

Finally, there is Nadya. Anglina Jolie-obsessed, baby crazy, and possibly just regular crazy mother of fucktuplets octuplets. This story has been done to death by now, and I don't really have anything to add except: *Bluuuurrrrggghh*.

So tell me: are we heading towards an Idiocracy?

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